I've been practicing Bikram Yoga steadily for the past year and a half, and truly, it's thanks to my husband Kevin. Although I first invited him to try Bikram, he was the one who convinced me to stay with it in the early days - back when I was resisting the heat and discipline of the practice (a sure sign that I needed both of these elements - and these, coincidentally, have become the attributes that I now appreciate most about Bikram's unique style of yoga!).
Before I speak about my own experiences, I would like to say that watching my husband's reaction to yoga has been so inspiring. From his first class, he loved the heat and left the room a changed man. Don't know if I've ever told him, but I feel most happy that all of the emotions he has mastered as a survivor in this world are being able to work their way out in the yoga room. When he comes home joyful after a class, I feel so happy thinking that perhaps the reason is that his heart chakra opened in a backbend and he got to experience an emotion that his day at work didn't allow.
I have such a sense of pleasure in anticipating what I will describe as the ways in which Bikram has positively affected my life. For certainly I have had enormous benefits physically, but more than that, I have had the privilege of witnessing my essential being begin the search for home.
What do I mean by that? I mean that for so much of my adult years I have sought to find more of a true spiritual balance- -to let go of tendencies that were not necessarily beneficial to myself or others- and this I attempted through efforts of exercise and certain ways of eating and thought. These years were good and I obviously felt a degree of satisfaction with the results I was earning, as evidenced by my continuation of these same practices. Yet something was missing.
That something was revealed to me the first time I looked with dread and relief, disrobed, into the Bikram mirror. For I knew at just the smallest level of consciousness as I observed myself that the truth of my ways, those I still carried despite my efforts, would be peering right back at me.
It may sound as if I am criticizing my physical self in a superficial way. I am not. What I am referring to is that in that moment, I become excruciatingly aware of seeing the times when I had chosen anger over love, escapism to being present, trying too hard instead of being in life's flow. Very simply, the culmination of all of my tendencies, both good and bad, sat in physical manifestation before my eyes. Yes, my body was happy to tell me the whole story, and how could I begin to argue with her truthfulness?
My body still talks to me, as honest as any friend could be. And I am a more receptive listener these days. Some of my happiest moments are when I find myself choosing an action that is elemental, being present with what is here and now, versus a busy "critical" task that I would have chosen a year and a half ago. Or how about when my kids ask me to help them find socks and I do only that, instead of stopping to straighten everything on the way? Truly my days are getting easier, and it's happening without me even trying. (Did I just say that? Me who used to believe that results only come from great effort?)
And did I tell you that, after a year and a half, I am just beginning to feel new muscles in the front of my legs when I practice? And I think to myself "Glory be! Surely this means other parts of my personality are getting their chance to emerge, just as these muscles are emerging instead of the hamstrings that I usually call upon. One more step towards balance!" As my toes begin to point more truly forward, I smile to think how that will make the walk easier, towards exactly where I am supposed to go.
Just in case I haven't been clear in my words, I'll say it another way. I have, at least in moments, stopped craving that which is not good for me, both physically and mentally. Yes, the journey isn't over, but hey, I've found the path, and my walk is ever more pleasing everyday. And it's great to see all of you when I'm out!
